Is your professional, emotional, relationship or ‘me life’ in need of a makeover?
Dear Rasha
At 39 years old, I am fit, solvent and mentally stable and yet am still single. Please don’t tell me to join a class or to network, I have tried and it doesn’t work! I am seriously thinking of leaving Dubai and going home as guys in this part of the world just don’t seem to be serious about long term commitments. Give me a plan of action to help me please.
Dear Ms. Fit, Solvent & Stable,
Unless ‘home’ is in China or India, where gender imbalance is supposedly man-made; you’re unlikely to find a suitable partner because everywhere else ‘man deficit’ is real!
According to Jon Briger, queen of relationship coaching and author of Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game whose findings include that to every four college educated women, there are three men for every woman. This suggests that if women cross the education-line and marry or partner with non-college educated men then there might be more fish in the sea.
Practically speaking though; your respective choice of words when describing yourself is interesting: “fit, solvent and mentally stable”. Were the men you dated in Dubai slobs, financially dependent or unhinged? Unlikely. More likely, emotionally challenged, immature, or commitment phobic. In my experience as a life coach, those men (and women) exist world-wide, and in any country or culture.
Are your criteria for the right man then looks/health, bank account size and mental-wellbeing? Or does your choice of words reflect what you perceive men’s benchmarks to be and you’ve built your self-image around that? I don’t think that’s what you meant either. However, words express and influence our beliefs and therefore do have power. They reflect our perception and understanding of life and consequently what we create in it. So be careful what you wish for.
The solution to your problem does not lie in leaving Dubai, dating men from another culture, taking a class or even networking. It does lie, however, in changing your beliefs which in turn will shape new and positive experiences in your life – freedom from limiting beliefs. I do believe that our beliefs attract experiences that confirm them.
Moreover, true love is also about having a connection with the right person that endures time and transcends fluctuating emotions. You can’t really connect with someone unless you know them as a person without any preconceptions; and there is no better way of getting to know someone than befriending them. I believe too that you can only truly refer to someone as a friend when you have a connection with them in the first place; otherwise it’s just casual acquaintanceship.
The ideal partner is a ‘best friend’ where the connection deepens with time and enriches your life in a special way that no other connection can. Ask yourself instead, what can you offer another and what can you bring into the relationship? What you will receive over the years would be a great deal more.
Start by seeing men as ‘people’, not as a potential mate, without classifying them physically, geographically, or financially. Nourish your authentic self, and choose to see that in others. Take conscious action and if they are interesting, nurturing, stimulating as you would when considering a friend. Allow that friendship to develop and deepen by being yourself at all times – a worthy human being; worthy of love and companionship and ready to exchange these qualities with another. You’d be falling in love with your best friend. Enjoy your journey of finding the right mate, for it is really the journey of getting to know yourself; the ultimate journey of self-development. Drop me a line and let me know when it’s time. ■
Rasha Nashaat